


Jon Thinks Everything is an Office Prank

by Gia_my_roommate



Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Jon in denial au, Jon is an idiot, M/M, Martin is the real hero, Not Sasha has a breakdown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24009523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate
Summary: Jon realizes working at the Magnus Institute is a boring job, but do his co-workers need to be so extreme in pulling pranks? He was not amused by the realistic model clay Gertrude corpse, and he is not amused by being kidnapped by his co-workers dressed as clowns and mannequins for a month. At least he has his rock Sasha, who is perfectly normal.Martin loves the idiot archivist and just goes along with it if it means keeping his sanity.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729438
Comments: 63
Kudos: 206





	1. Martin, clean this sand up and get back to work

Jon knew working at the Magnus Institute in the archives would be boring, however his co-workers reaction to this boredom was down right unprofessional. 

Jon thought at very least Martin would not stoop to this level, yet here he was. 

How Martin got this good of a fog machine in the archives was anyone’s guess.

“Martin! Martin!” Jon shouted “Martin I swear if you do NOT stop this at once and get back to work I’ll have to write you up!” 

Jon noticed he was walking on sand.

“Martin how did you get this much sand in here and who do you think is going to have to clean this up?!” 

“He doesn’t want to see you.” Jon could kill Peter right now. At very least Elias never pulled shit like this.

“Well too bad, I’m short staffed already and I need help. Could this really not have waited? Where even are you I can’t see shit in this fog.”

“I’m not here, Archivist. No one is.” Peter’s voice echoed around Jon. 

“Oh, so I’m talking to know one now am I? What are we 5? And what are you using to do that with? How long did you and Martin spend setting this up even?! Martin! Martin get over here now!”

“Jon?” Martin’s voice echoes. 

Jon, upon finding Martin standing in the fog, was not amused.

“Martin, what were you thinking doing this? Do you know how long we’re going to have to spend cleaning all of this sand up? They’ll be finding sand in the archives for the next decade at least because of this!” Jon complained. “You know we’re short staffed!” 

“I’m going to stay here Jon. It feels right here.“

“Feel free to do that once the fog machine is turned off and the sand is cleaned up. God knows I can only rely on Sasha around here.” Jon threw up his hands.

“I tried to tell you. He’s gone.” Peter’s voice echoed.

“Alright fine, whatever, will you please come out here Peter? I am asking nicely.” Jon tapped his foot against the sand impatiently. 

Children, Jon thought to himself, the whole lot of them.

Jon looked around, finally spotting the fucker.

Peter appeared upset when Jon looked at him.

“Peter, can you explain to me-“

“No. Leave.” Peter said, petulantly.

“Peter, explain to me right now where you got this-“

“NO!” Peter shouted, and Jon had had enough.

“PETER YOU WILL EXPLAIN TO ME NOW WHERE YOU GOT ALL OF THE EQUIPMENT FOR THIS!” 

Peter’s head suddenly exploded, something Jon was not in the mood to deal with. 

“Martin, I don’t know how you two rigged this up but are we done here? Can we-“

“His only wish was to die alone.” Martin said, causing Jon to throw his head back in annoyance. 

“Oh, well, that’s on him. If he wants me to play along with his fake death he’s got another thing coming. Let’s get to cleaning, we can start by turning off that blasted fog machine. Which way is it?” Jon asked, taking Martin’s hand.

“Jon there is no-“ Martin stopped, realizing telling Jon this was supernatural was pointless. “it’s this way.”

Martin hoped if they walked long enough they’d be able to find their way out


	2. Not Sasha has a mental breakdown

Not them was pretty sure they weren’t Sasha. Okay 30% now and dropping.

“Sasha let’s go!” Jon, the archivist said.

The apocalypse had happened about a week ago and Jon still claimed they were Sasha.

And Jon would know, right? Jon’s the archivist, he has access to any information he wants. 

“Am I Sasha?” Not Sasha asked themself. 

No, they could not be Sasha. If they were Sasha they would presumably remember a father and mother.

Not them, or maybe Sasha, remembered when they killed the real Sasha. Therefor, they couldn’t be Sasha. 

They had not always doubted themselves as Not Sasha.

At first is was a fun game, look at how no one remembers the real Sasha but Melanie.

They were so amused by the Archivist who would did not recognize the supernatural despite being hit in the face with it.

“Oh Sasha,” He would say “you’re the only normal one around here who doesn’t insist on these horrible pranks.” 

And they would amuse themselves by indulging in his fantasy of normalcy.

When Jon broke the table, they thought the chase would begin. That Jon would realize.

But when they popped out, just barely wrong looking, Jon only sighed in relief.

“Oh there you are Sasha. I accidentally broke this table can you file a work order?” 

They honestly were not expecting to be met with such calmness and did as Jon said.

They kept doing stranger and stranger things, no face, short legs with long arms. 

Than Melanie and Tim tried to attack them, until Jon intervened. 

“Jon, that’s not Sasha! That-that thing replaced her!” Melanie insisted

“Oh now you’ve gone too far!” Jon had said “Sasha is my best friend, and I will not allow you to bully her!”

“I’m Jon best friend?” They wondered before realizing “Jon’s my best friend....”

They didn’t know what to do after that. They figured that once Jon came more into the Eye powers he’d realize. 

But even after completing the ritual and starting the apocalypse Jon still called them Sasha.

“So,” Martin began as they walked one day while Jon was feeding “Got any hobbies?”

Martin’s tone was not bitter, but instead confused and a bit curious. Why wasn’t it hateful, bitter, angry? She KILLED his friend. Didn’t she? 

“I...” They thought “I like karaoke. Jon took me to do it once after work.” 

Martin did not know how to respond.

“That’s....nice.” Martin finally replied. 

Maybe they were Sasha.

Not Sasha, or Sasha, could vaguely remember their mother if they think hard enough. She had chestnut hair and green eyes. Yes, it’s very clear now.

Not Sasha was amazed, thinking that perhaps all their life as Not Sasha was some sort of figment of their imagination. A breakdown. 

Yes, that would make sense. 

But they just had to make sure one last time.

“Jon?” Not Sasha asked, he looked over to them. “Am I...Sasha?”

“Sasha, Sasha look at me.” Jon took them by the shoulders.

“You are Sasha, and you’re my best friend.” Jon said, and they felt themselves tear up. 

They are Sasha.


	3. The Month Long Kidnapping Prank

Jon was upset. He was bound to a chair. He was gagged.

His coworkers had been moisturizing him. MOISTURIZING. 

He had no idea why he never fired his assistants, sentiment perhaps. 

Jon could not think of any other reason he would not fire them.

Besides his assistants odd joke that they physically could not quit. Which was an incredibly idiotic joke Jon wished they’d quit almost as much as this current joke.

It all started with those bloody bugs.

Martin had dumped them onto his desk, which was disgusting.

Jon only kept him around after that because Martin made good tea.

Jon was a bit glad he never fired Martin, though at the moment he’d consider killing him if he found out Martin was involved too.

Oh, but that was just the start.

All his assistants seemed to decide Martin had presented a challenge.

He tried to get Elias to call an exterminator with the bugs his assistants had placed all around the office and in the walls, he really did.

Finally they stopped with the bug prank, but only after hiring an actress and setting some weird flesh eating bugs on him. 

Jon was pretty sure Tim set that up, after all it is convenient Tim also got attacked. Good alibi.

“Oh… Oh… Oh, Archivist. What have you done now? It’s almost sad to see you like this.”

Jon groaned, recognizing the voice of the actor his assistants hired. Michael.

Same shit as always, Michael threatening to kill him. 

Blah blah blah blah blah.

Jon was surprised when Michael took off the gag.

“Go on, ask your questions.” Michael challenged.

“At least one of my assistants have been doing their work, right?” Jon asked

“What?”

“This is all very elaborate and I’m very impressed, good job everyone. However, I’d like this little psychotic prank to be over with and done, and I do not want to come back to work only to be fired because my assistants were busy setting all this up.” Jon said, incredibly annoyed

“You still think this is a joke? After all this?!” Michael asked, sounding incredibly infuriated.

Jon rolled his eyes.

“You know what, fine. If you think this is a joke,” Michael let Jon loose “than nothing will happen when you open that door.”

Jon sighed, standing. He was a bit wobbly at first but managed.

“If I open this door and Melanie stabs me with a knife, I will do my best to make all of your lives a living hell.” Jon stated loudly, before attempting to open the door.

“It’s locked.” Jon was unimpressed.

“What?” Michael asked, disbelieving. 

Jon had to give him props for being a good actor.

Michael could not open the locked door either, obviously.

Jon closes his eyes for a second and BAM, finds a new door has appeared and no Michael anywhere.

Jon had to give them all props, this was excellent team work and execution.

The new door opens, revealing Helen.

“Oh not you too!” Jon groaned, another actor. 

“Oh? Don’t you want to come in?” She asked, and Jon threw his hands up.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go.” Jon pushed passed her, to Helen’s surprise.

Jon did not know how they managed to pull off this.

Upon stepping into Elias’s office from the door Jon realized something.

His fucking assistants set all of this up in the archives.

“Did you know about this?!” Jon demanded

“Jon, I understand you’re upset.” Elias began, but Jon cut him off.

“These pranks have gone too far, Elias! They kept me in some part of the building for a MONTH and moisturized me!” Jon raved

“You still believe this is all a series of jokes?” Elias seemed slightly amused.

“Oh god, of course you’re continuing to be in on this. What else would you do with your time as head of the institute? Am I the only one who actually does their job around here?” Jon demanded to know.

Elias blinked, surprised. He could feel Jon compelling him. He did not think Jon’s powers, with the way Jon was, would develop so quickly.

Melanie entered just in time with her knife.

“Oh god, is that the queue that you guys have taken it all down so when I leave this office I won’t be going back into a creepy wax museum warehouse?” Jon asked “Of course it was. Whatever, I’m getting back to work. Have at em Melanie!” 

Jon stormed out of Elias’s office and to the Archives. 

. . . 

“I don’t know Sasha,” Jon sighed, sitting in the break room with Sasha “I mean I obviously feel some sentiment or affection for them or they’d be fired, but do they really need to play these absurd pranks on me?”

“I am not sure.” Sasha said “I am glad we are friends Jonathan.”

Sasha popped a paperclip in her mouth. 

“Me too Sasha. You’re a breath of normality I’m grateful to have.” 

Sasha swallowed the paper clip. 

“You know,” Jon began angrily “I bet this is because they found out I believe in the supernatural. I know, I know, it’s all scientifically improbable. But, I really do think there are forces and entities out there we’ll never understand.”

Jon stood up, stretching.

“Thanks for listening Sasha. I think I’m going to head home. I hope to god someone has been paying my bills.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to focus more on Jon’s powers and Jon as an avatar of the eye while still not believing in any of it.


	4. Gertrude’s Body

“I found a body.” Martin said, panicked.

“What?” Tim looked incredibly concerned, however Jon was not falling for it.

“Oh my god, are we adding a murder to this now too?” Jon asked, tired of his assistants bullshit.

“I think, I think it’s Gertrude’s. The old archivist.” Martin ran his hands through his hair, unsure what to do.

“Oh no you mean the old archivist who went missing?” Jon sarcastically asked, fake fear in his voice. 

Tim glared at Jon.

“Alright, alright. Show me the body you found, Martin. If only to get this over with sooner.” Jon said.

“Jon this is serious! It’s an actual dead body! A rotting corpse!” Martin exclaimed, Jon only rolled his eyes.

“Right, yes. Of course, I’m sorry I’m not taking this seriously.” Jon brittlely apologized. “Now will you lead the way?” 

Martin led Tim and Jon to the body.

“Holy shit, that’s....” Tim began to pace around the tunnel, looking a bit sick.

“Very nice performance Tim.” Jon commented before sauntering over to the body.

Jon knelt down and poked at it.

“I must say, I am impressed out the amount of detail you all put into this.” Jon picked up a decayed arm. 

Tim covered his mouth with his hands, Martin stood paralyzed. Neither man could look away from the small archivist feeling up the dead body.

“What is this made out of? It feels surprisingly realistic.” Jon, though annoyed, seemed impressed as he poked at the face.

Tim began to throw up when Jon opened the mouth.

. . .

“Are you not the least bit curious who murdered Gertrude Robinson?” Martin asked

“Of course I am,” Jon scoffed “I realize you wanted me to start getting all paranoid thinking one of you murdered Gertrude by showing me a fake dead body, but I’m not an idiot. Her real body is probably at the bottom of a ravine. Right Sasha?” 

“Of course, Jon.” Sasha smiled, eyes void of emotion. “I found the prank funny too, as a normal person finds pranks funny.”

Martin gave Sasha a confused look.

“Thank you! I mean, it wasn’t funny at all, but at least someone is finally admitting these are all just pranks.” Jon said triumphantly.

Jon left the office to begin his stakeout on Tim’s house. 

He was determined to catch his assistants red handed plotting these insane pranks.


	5. Elias takes a Vacation

Elias had no idea how Jon was the most effective archivist in bringing about the apocalypse he had ever had.

Elias downed his sixth glass of wine.

Jon was so in denial Elias was shocked the Web didn’t take him for the lies he told to himself.

Elias emptied the bottle into his glass.

He had thought such a balmy-ass, vazey incompetent gollumpus would have died rather quickly, but somehow he was doing perfectly!

He wasn’t even inquisitive! Nothing like Elias had hoped, nothing Elias had predicted.

And yet at that very moment he was agreeing to serve the Eye, though under the belief it was an odd dream, sealing his fate at the one Elias would be using to wear the watcher’s crown.

He didn’t know how to feel about that. 

There was a knock on the door, the police entered.

“Fucking finally. Let’s go.” Elias said standing up. Prison would be a vacation from the headache that was Jonathan Sims.

. . .

Jon woke up from a crazy coma dream and immediately wondered what he did to deserve this hectic of a life. 

“Jon!” George and Basira were staring at him.

“Did Tim...?” Jon’s voice was soar.

“He’s gone.” Basira confirmed. “Daisy too.”

“That bastard.” Jon cursed sitting up, painfully. “This better be the end of the office pranks, if not I’m going to assume you all are trying to murder me.”

Basira and Georgie’s jaws dropped.

“Jon! Do you still think this is a prank? You’ve been in a coma for 6 months!” Georgie exclaimed.

“Yeah, which is concerning! I hope you all learned you lesson else I assume murder will be your next prank. Did Elias at very least punish everyone?”

“Elis is prison, locked up for good hopefully.” Basira said

“For what?!” Jon asked, alarmed.

“Murdering Leitner! You know that thing you td me was a bizarre prank that your boss pulled!?” Georgie asked and Jon rolled his eyes.

“Ah yes, you mean when they made me think a homeless man lived in the tunnels the dug under the institute, and proceeded to fake murder him. I assume Elias is actually on vacation. Now than, do either of you know if I still have a job? I don’t know the procedure for these kinds of things.” Jon mused and Georgie stormed out.

“Yeah you still have a job.” Basira rolled her eyes. 

“Right, good. You didn’t happen to bring any food with you did you? I’m feeling a bit hungry, one of those odd cravings again.” 

“You’re lucky I brought a statement with me.” Basira grumbled, tossing him the file.

Jon realized then that there was no chance his assistants would stop playing jokes on him.

“I don’t understand this joke you all insist on, but while I read this can you get me some crisps or biscuits or a fruit rollup?” Jon took the statement out.

Basira rolled her eyes and left.

“And I’m only reading this because reading tends to distract from my hunger!” Jon called after.

Jon began to read a statement, something about old white guys and a guy who dated this girl once and got into bdsm or something. Jon was never good at picking out the important details of these statements. 

. . .

Jon was pleased his office was only minimally messed with. With the kind of pranks his assistants played, he wouldn’t have been shocked to find several lions in it.

Melanie entered his office with a baseball, something that set Jon on edge as a reflex. At this point whenever an assistant stormed in a horrid prank was sure to follow.

“Hello Melanie. Please go easy on me, I did only just wake up.” Jon greeted, Melanie proceeded to throw the baseball at his head.

“Okay so we’re just physically harming me now. I see.” Jon ducked behind his desk  
“Stay away from me.” She spat.

“Okay, yeah sounds good.” Jon agreed quickly, giving her a thumbs up.

Melanie stormed off again.

“It is good to have you back, my dear friend Jon.” Sasha said, poking her head in.

“Sasha!” Jon smiled, relieved “Finally someone normal. How have you been? No one has tried to convince you you’re not you again right?”


	6. Leitner

Jon found the plumber in the tunnels while on lunch break with Sasha.

“I just don’t know how to make them stop, Sasha. I had to send them all home because I just can’t handle anymore pranks!” Jon whinged. 

Sasha made their hair stand on it’s ends fully, shooting up like spikes.

“I told them THEY had to go home because I was sick!” Jon groaned, taking a bite of his sandwich as they walked.

Sasha made one arm longer than the other, to the point it dragged on the floor.

“I think if I didn’t have that axe they would have argued and said something like: we can’t go home, Jon! Werewolves are infecting the town!” Jon did an impression of Tim. “Or: there’s a bunch of corpses walking around in the institute Jon!” 

Not Them nodded along with the story, vaguely annoyed the archivist was not noticing any of what they were doing.

“If one more thing happens I’m taking a vacation.” Jon said, “You’re free to come with as well Sasha, I wouldn’t want to leave you here with everyone.”

“Thank you, Jon my friend.” Not Them distorted their voice just a tad.

“Are you okay, Sasha? You sound like you’re coming down with something.” Jon asked, concerned.

“I am fine.” Not Them grumbled.

“Are you-“ Jon stopped walking as he saw a man in the tunnels. “Hello?”

Jon turned back to Not Them.

“Sasha do you recognize that man?” 

The man threw a brick at Sasha, which Jon was barely able to push her out of the way of.

“Great! Now they are turning on you too!” Jon exclaimed, “Sasha, feel free to go home. I’ll handle this.” 

Jon turned to the crazed man with the brick.

“Those better be fake, you could have injured her!” Jon exclaimed.

“Whoever you think that is Mr.Sims, it’s not them.” He said, much to Not Them’s delight. Finally, the game could begin.

“I’m sure she isn’t. Why don’t we go to the archives and talk about it.” Jon signaled for Sasha to leave.

“You don’t understand-“

“I understand plenty. Now how did you get down here?” Jon questioned, thinking how this strange man could have gotten down into the tunnels without help. 

Not Them realized today was not going to be the day Jon discovered they were not Sasha, and slunk away on all fours.

“My name is Jurgan Leitner, I-“ 

“You’re the plumber aren’t you?” Jon realized, it made perfect sense to him. “Elias finally got a plumber here to fix the leaky pipe in my office and you must have gotten lost. Follow me.”

Jom turned and walked off. 

“No, I’m here to speak with you.” Jurgan hissed, following behind.

“Well, if you want to give your statement can you do it while fixing the pipes?”

Jurgan thought for a moment.

“Yeah, okay.”

. . . 

Elias was almost alarmed to discover his archivist with Leitner in his institute.

He semi-hoped that Leitner would be enough to get his archivist out of denial, however feared Leitner would give him far too much information.

Which is why he immediately headed for them, but at a rather slow pace.

Maybe too slow of a pace, Elias thought upon entering the archivists office.

Leitner had his back turned, focused intently on trying to fix a pipe as he prattled on about his library and the entities and Gertrude.

He was doing a poor job of fixing the pipe, Elias noted.

Jon, meanwhile, was asleep on his desk chair as a tape recorder rolled.

. . . 

Jon woke up to a bloodied Elias standing over the plumber he couldn’t recall the name of. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jon stood up from his desk. “Even my boss is going to play jokes on me?”

“Jon-“

“Nope. Nope. Nope.” Jon got his coat on and collected his things. “Not happening today.”

Jon took at his phone and texted someone.

“I’m going to take a vacation. Goodbye, Elias. I’ll be back in a few weeks.”

Elias dropped the pipe as Jon exited his office, wondering if he should have killed his archivist too.


End file.
